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Day two.

So it is day two of my no facebook challenge.. and today I did go on it, it was at our lunchtime, I was sad,frustrated as well as pissed off.. found out that one of the jobs that I really really wanted to get into had already been filled on Friday.. it was like a massive punch to the stomach, so many people had told me that I had a really good chance of getting it and a few people that I was emailing in the company said that they would put a good word in for me… soo that being said has led me to believe that it was something to do with me and how the interview went, I thought I did everything right and felt so confident in it, but then my trainer informs me that one of the positions was filled on Friday… that being said made me believe that I hadnt gotten it, and  I didnt. So it was a massive punch to the stomach, and I have a big fuck off for 2011… And then at the end of the day all of the work that I did during class got lost as my computer decided to reboot itself and delete whatever was saved on the desktop – that happened to be absolutely everything that I had done that day and everything that I had finished.. So not the best day to say the least, so I went on it for a little bit just to distract myself a tiny bit but since then everything has been on track

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Day one

So first few hours after making my goal of not going on facebook for a week.. it is now 11/12/11.. So far, so good.. I helped my mum out doing her school work as she is writing her reports so I helped her put her snotty nosed children’s results into the specified childs report, pretty easy to be honest, then I went to the shops to get some snacks for this week at school as I left the ones that  I bought in my boyfriend’s car.. then I cleaned my room.. So pretty easy so far, only challenge was when I used my phone as facebook is on there but still no temptation. Tomorrow I will see as being a challenge as I am in class and normally finish early so I will need to find something else to do whilst waiting for the others to finish. I will fill you in on how it goes.

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My new goal…

is to somehow… yes somehow, spend a week off this stupid time consuming thing called facebook… checking out or ‘stalking’ people that probably have no interest in what I am doing or no acknowledgement that I exist… If you want to talk to me, surely you would talk to me then check out what I am doing by my stupid status’ that I make on facebook, to somehow get the attention of those so called facebook friends, the ones that just look at your wall but dont dare message you or say anything to your face… but it isnt even just them… its me looking at what my so called friends are doing or people that I dont even talk to or some of them I have no idea who they even are.. It isnt even just what I wrote above.. I forget who I am these days because I spend endless hours on the computer and browsing the stupid thing called facebook…that I lose who I am in it, this isnt me, theres more to me then just facebook. I want to do more painting, I might just start in a scrapbook instead of buying canvases and having this huge array of them that I have no idea what to do with, or I could start another long stitch, just the little ones that you would normally give to little kids, so that I can start to fill up my long stitch scrapbook that I have.. So, a week off this silly thing that has now become I guess a lot of my time… its an easy time waster, instead of actually doing things, it seems easier to just sit in front of the computer pressing refresh every two minutes hoping something new and vaguely interesting may come up. It will be a challenge because it has definitely become something that ive been accustomed to, so its a habit that will be very interesting to break.. hopefully ill be able to do it and I will post any paintings or long stitches that I happen be working on 🙂

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What makes you …

What makes you get up in the morning?

What makes you smile?

Who makes everything feel worthwhile?

What do you do that makes you happy?

What do you do that makes you sad?

What do you do to overcome it?

Is it seeing the sunrise?

Going to the movies with your friends?

Having a catch up?

Being on your own just watching the waves crash from the rocks?

Is it watching a movie or doing something else by yourself?

Is it going for walks?

Does going on picnics make you smile?

Is it being able to see your  favourite person?

Getting a simple message saying hi?

Or one saying that you made my day?

What makes you tick? What makes you, you? What makes you smile or laugh or even cry? Who do you love? Who do you care about?

Sometimes it is just simple things like this that make people get up in the morning.. for others it may be different or even hard to try and find these things.. But sometimes its just easier to focus on what you dont have instead of delving deeper and finding out those things that do make each day worth it.

 

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just dont know anymore.

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I can count on you

If you ever find yourself stuck in the middle of the sea, I’ll sail the world to find you If you ever find yourself lost in the dark and you can’t see, I’ll be the light to guide you
Find out what we’re made of When we are called to help our friends in need

If you toss and you turn and you just can’t fall asleep I’ll sing a song beside you And if you ever forget how much you really mean to me Everyday I will remind you

At least i know that i will be able to count on you, unlike everyone else that has said they will be there, or that they ‘care’. At least i know that you will be there to make me smile, that you want to talk to me and that you will make the effort, at least i know that it will be more then one of these silly facebook friends that ends up with people getting spoken to just because of events.. at least i know that our friendship means more then that, means more then just talking on facebook, means more then just talking when things are wrong or when you dont know what to do.. that when one of us are in trouble we will always be there for each other, make each other smile and laugh and just act like idiots together. that is something that definitely cannot be replaced or made up once its lost. yes if you know me i am so quiet it isnt funny generally i have no idea what the hell to say or if you even care about the same things i do, or that i expect people to make the effort but i dont or whatever, i know you will have opinions of me in relation to this, but i guess if i dont make the effort i dont feel comfortable just rambling nat bullshit. there are also the people that mean the absolute world to me that make no effort at all, this makes me angry and upset as i know that i dont mean as much to you.. there are some people that i just ‘click’ with and i can talk for hours to them, or just sit next to them and not feel at all awkward or pressured that what i have been doing is right.. yes i worry about these things but thats just who i am, even if i dont talk or dont know what to say even just getting a text saying hi or something may be nice, but i guess if you wanted to catch up and expect hours of conversation then you have come to the wrong person. What i have with some people is certainly irreplaceable and I possibly wont be able to get that from anyone else. For those few people and you definitely do know who you are i am truly grateful and the fact that you make an effort as well and make me happy is definitely appreciated.

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I’m sorry for all of this. I feel like I have let you down in a major way. When I look back on this year and what I think that I’ve put you through it was unfair as well as stupid, you of all people deserve way better then this, deserve to be treated better. I’ve been in my own little world way to much to realise what I should actually be focusing on instead of the fact that I don’t have work or earlier in the year that I had no idea where I was going or lack of direction or any of that bullshit. It’s so very stupid when I really do think about it. I could have avoided the whole thing, could have avoided all of this and now I feel like I’ve let you down. This year hasn’t been fair on you not in the slightest and for that I feel truly horrible. I’m a horrendous worrier and absolutely everything stresses me out.  I guess I’ve gone the tiniest bit nutty and forgotten whats truly important to me. What makes me happy and smile, who I get excited to see and who makes everything seem so perfect. I dont regret leaving work or uni I just wanted things to pan out differently I guess. I guess I cant change how it did pan out and just have to deal with what this year threw at me and just move on. I’m sorry I dragged you in to it all and I feel like I’ve just let you down as well as myself. I’m Sorry.

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You will always be my first and most wonderful love

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